A Few Jokes

[BillGsa]

[Martin_D]

[BillGsa]

[BillGsa]

[BillGsa]

[Paughco]

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious
winners . .
. .

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a
holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something
that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger
again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a
blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the
space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head
to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event
was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King
in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the
scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was
the best laugh he'd ever had.

Stolen from the A2A flight sim aircraft forum. That's OK, because I posted that old WiFi spell check joke from iBMW.com on that site. What goes around...

Seeya
ATB

[wildbears]

[Verse 1]
I was Mozart in another life
Now I’m a cat, no one knows my plight
I used to have hands, now only paws
No opposable thumbs to play these chords
No one listens, no one sees
How I struggle to play these piano keys
I should be writing a symphony
But I’m a TikTok cat and you’re laughing at me

[Chorus]
I am Mozart, trapped in a cat
I am Mozart, trapped in a cat

[Verse 2]
Take me back to 1761
When I was five years old and my career just begun
Seven years as a cat and all I can manage
Is one key at a time even that is a challenge
The music is trapped inside my brain
No way to express myself I’m going insane
What did I do to deserve this fate?
Can anybody help me escape this feline state?

[Chorus]
I am Mozart, trapped in a cat
I am Mozart, trapped in a cat

[wildbears]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwBblOuy-kw

[Martin_D]

Trying to send a dick pic ...

[802Mike]

That's called a "dickydo".
It's when the belly sticks out farther than the "dicky do".

[Doctor350]

Did you lay those tiles Martin?

[Martin_D]

Heated floor Captn ...

[BillGsa]

[Martin_D]

[Martin_D]

[Martin_D]

[Martin_D]

[Martin_D]